Saturday, February 25, 2012

Welcome to the Country - a humorous look at life in the country ~ by, Charity Maness

So, you’ve decided to move to the country where ‘language’ is a loosely used term...

When first moving here, you will undoubtedly hear some terms that just don’t seem to make any sense at all. Or you may overhear a conversation or two that leaves you wondering just what kind of a town it is that you have moved to.

For instance, you could be enjoying a cup of coffee one fine morning at McCartys and overhear some of our local ranchers interesting conversation. It could sound something like this;

“Hey Steve, how are your girls today?”

“Oh, they’re doin’ all right. One of ems got a tit so swollen I’m afraid to even touch er.”

“Yeah, that happened to one of my girls a while back. I just packed a warm towel where she was most tender and she calmed down right away. She actually got a bit amorous.”

“Yeah, I tried that. I thought maybe I would get one of my younger girls to try to take to her to lessen the pain.”

“That might work. But girls can sure be stubborn when you try to introduce a new young un. Lord knows my girls are real stubborn when I bring a new one home.”

Now if you have spit out your coffee and are seriously thinking of putting your brand new home on the market because you think you have moved to a polygamist community, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Those ranchers loving refer to their beautiful well endowed bovines as their “girls.”
Are you feeling a bit better about the town now?

To save you from any other possible linguistic errors on your part, I have compiled a sampling of country definitions for your perusal.

Oysters: Not to be confused with those that come from the ocean. No, no, country oysters come from bulls, as in male cows, thus making them a steer, as in a male cow thats missing his more important parts. Need I say more?

Cow chip: Not a type of potato chip. This is the end, no pun intended, product of a cow that has eaten and digested massive amounts of hay and grass. It becomes a cow chip after it has hardened.

Round up: Not a weed spray. This is where cowboys, young and old alike, take to the open range astride their trusty steed and bring in all the cattle from the higher grazing lands.

Rattler: Not a baby toy. It is short for rattlesnake. A word of advice, run if someone tells you theres a rattler by you. I would.
Banding: Not a group of people getting together to discuss ideas. No, this is when a buck, a boy goat, is turned into a wether, a boy goat without his more important parts.

It’s not easy being an animal of the male gender in the country.

One small word of advice to you ladies new to the country, if you happen to overhear a couple of rancher type fellers refer to you as a real beauty, it might be cause for concern, they might be comparing you to their bovine beauties at home. It would be a bad thing to pale in comparison.

Until next time…welcome to the country.

No comments:

Post a Comment