So you’ve decided to move to the country where on this side of the continental United States the viewpoint is much different from say….Kentucky.
On assignment in Kentucky…
The good news? No tornados…yet. Seeing as how that last time I visited this little slice of Kentucky known as Irvine (pronounced Ervin) the local postmaster (who now knows be by name..that being ‘the gal from Caleefornee) said, “I knew y’all were headin’ into town on account of the bad weather” I am grateful to not be the bearer of bad weather…this trip. You might have to read that long sentence again. I know I did.
On this particular visit, I have had to bully some deer from my drive to get to the post office, exterminate a wasp the size of my daughter’s Chihuahua, eat a lumpy smelly concoction called beer cheese, savor the culinary delight known as beer butt chicken, and explain to more than two stores what a starter log was yet still go home empty handed. Evidently I’m the goofball from California that doesn’t understand beer goes in, on, and with everything, and can’t figure out how to start a fire. Well, no fire logs, and for the record I managed to start a warming fire without one, it only took four local papers and a whole box of matches, but I did it.
But here is where the ah-ha of my story comes in; in my search for the all illusive fire starter log I managed to find Deer cocaine. Yes you read right. At the local market, hardware store, and gas station. All proud distributors of deer cocaine. While we over here in our neck of the woods tend to shoo the deer from our pristine greens and our manicured flower beds these country folk are getting the local herd of deer hooked on deer cocaine.
Just buy a block, yes a big block the size of a brick at the local grocery store; the one that carries tobacco leaves twisted into braids right next to the pickled pig’s feet, snake shot, and Ale 8, head on home and bury it in the back yard. Within a day or two your backyard is hoppin’ with critters large and small, all amped up on deer cocaine. A forest animal’s energy snack. Some of the companies, sensing a negative connotation to the name of the product, renamed it Bucklick. Sorry, not much better in my opinion.
Of course curiosity got the better of me and I just had to try the stuff figuring it had to be a gimmick. I didn’t physically try it I experimented on the locals, animals that is. I learned my lesson. We had the local critters within a mile radius hopped up on that stuff for a whole summer. So being of sound mind, this summer I purchased some organic seed and placed some in a nice feeder on my deck and one in the yard for the local critters to help them on their road to recovery while dining on quality food. As soon as I was back in the house the squirrels came from the trees and ran to the food. They all sniffed it and ran away. All but one. I swear he gave me the evil eye, you know the Dirty Harry look, flipped his tail and ran up the nearest tree. Three days later and the feed still sits where I left it. Not a single seed gone.
So much for my California ways.
Next summer if I don’t want to find the house ransacked by varmints I’m thinking I might have to purchase some of that there deer cocaine.
Until next time…welcome to the country.
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